How we get to be who we are, and the creation of people who have lost the human touch.
When I say lost the human touch, I mean that empathic heart connection to all other human beings on this planet. Simply recognizing as part of the whole, and seeing their Divine within.
Nothing more. But it is enough itself to make us stop from harming others, either strangers, or your own loved ones.
Sadly this is not the case. During the time period my mother was dying, I was witness to certain
behaviors, outbursts, and one scene and words aimed at my dying mother that broke my heart.
I do not want to repeat the words, and I have been working very hard to understand why.
It is called narcisistic personality disorder, and has been a governing factor in my family since the time I was a child.
A post back or two, I talked about the energetic imprints that can be left in a childs energy field by a parent. This is where mine have come from, what I struggled with, learned to function away from, and seek different things in my life.
There are things a narcissistic uses to get their own way, keep you in line, and not fully functioning as a human who is learning to use their full potential, our life lessons we come here to develop our souls, our true beings.
We are energy being having human experiences, and to become as a group of beings who are here for that and to move on, we have to learn to break free from what has been laid on us as children.
If it encouraged you to reach out for your full potential then you had very well developed parents helping you. If like me, you have had to struggle, break away, get lucky and find people in your life to help you strive and learn and understand what the meaning of your full potential and gifts are.
Some people never do, they are entrapped from the first breath they take, so loaded and hobbled by the imprinting by their parents, and it is a generational thing, who were imprinted by their own parents. Imprinted to not use their brains, curiosity, or abused, beaten down, and prone to addictions, behaviors of violence, or so lost about who they are, they become victims.
Victims can be easily swayed by any number of beings, who use them for their own purpose.
Since the victim hasn't any strength of mind, understanding of normal relationships, that heart connection to humanity, they are often just lost for good.
Many organizations on this planet work to keep this lock down of victimizing going full bore.
So much is blasted at us by the media, by "faith" organizations, who want you to stay in the victim rut. But you are not supposed to see you are. This makes you very easy to manipulate.
To divide humanity, and to make you lose that heart connection to others, and to hate. Once you learn to hate, then you are easily used. Not everyone becomes a terrorist. But how many people have I come across that just cannot accept that I don't belong to their church, believe in their politics, go to their country club, etc. Even though they have know me as a person well enough to know I am a good person, it is enough to make them think I am bound for hell. Period. Unless I become like them. So respecting anothers way of seeing the Divine is not allowed.
That is quite mild, compared to what I am going to say. If you are young without life's experience, and perhaps a little bit of hearts connection developed, then you can very much be talked into horrific deeds.
I watch the news, see the young people swayed into leaving their families, to do things for some cause. It makes me so sad.
Because what we think is going on, is not what we think it is. It is for our planet, not for our souls. There are beings who use shut down humans to profit by, to gain ground for control of this planet. Simple as that. You really won't be an afterthought, a martyr, and privledged person in heaven. Nope, back to school, back to this reality. Till you understand what it is all about. As for those who would use you, they play a role in a game. At least to them.
They do not care. But to have humanity killing each other gives them food. They feed off the
negative wavelengths.
And this all starts in the beginning of your life. Mine did. My path could have been so different. I found a way to break out of my imprinting and being made to feel inadequate.
So by the time I was 14, I was what I called a rebel without a clue. A scared to act out rebel.
Not understanding anything. just that my mother was trying to find herself, often depressed and tired and with four kids and another on the way.
A girfriend from the neighborhood, no one my parents ever knew, but one I walked to the bus stop in the morning with , and back home in the afternoon was the first person I ever met who was ready to run away from her life. She did a few years later. With some older guy.
But I digress. Soon there was a small gathering of young teenage girls walking to and from the bus stop. One stole her mother's cigarettes, we would smoke them. And bravely talk about what we were gonna do, or boys, or both. Our parents, very 50's parents, it was the 60's, were huge downers.
I was the only one who was the oldest child in her family, who had felt all the weight of being so.
Two of the girls were the youngest. Watching their older sisters preen and seek approval from their boyfriends, encouraged by their mothers. At this point women's lib was still about 3 years away from the scene, so a girl was supposed to think about a husband. Sometimes sex, and that would lead to a husband.
I wanted none of that, I had watched my mother drag herself around, a new baby was due, and she was exhausted, emotional, had to give up her smoking cigarettes, she had smoked with the first four of us, as the doctor dictated it was bad for the baby. This was a new thing on the scene, that and not drinkng coffee. Her life blood, several cups a day.
I at this point had to deal with my father often over the things I had tried to do to enjoy something that was different from what he ruled acceptable. This would be music, or dress, or behavior he didn't like, not that I would act out, but he was the one who had controlling issues, and I at my adult age now understand it was him having problems, not me. He was living under what shaped him into a controlling human being. Growing up without a mother, stepmothers, I don't think I will ever know all of what went on to make him who he came to be and still is. He does love us, but
he is a difficult person to talk to or deal with at times. My way or the highway attitude.
All I wanted to do was graduate from high school eventually and go to college, move out, study art, learn music, science, have my own life. Nothing I wanted was approved by him. And like my childhood, his controling often had devastating effects on me. He wanted me to go into business. Not my thing, believe me, but that wasn't allowed. I got a lot of stuff said to me, made me very withdrawn and secretive. I became a very unconfident young lady.
Rebeling seemed attractive, but I was scared to. I grew up, watched my bus stop girl friends run away, get pregnant in high school, or move from the neighborhood. I had no more friends close by. I had high school friends, but after graduation, I only had a couple I saw.
One a young man came to look at his difficulties with trying to be a straight person, with a very religious family, move out to live with another man. His extremely religious family disowned him. His life separated from mine, dear friend that he was. I did see him one last time before I left San Diego. He was ill, and later I heard he had died from AIDS. So much we didn't know then that would come to be, I think of him and wish life had been better for him.
The other a girl with severe asthma I kept in touch with. I worked long hard hours as a waitress, got a studio apartment, took a bus to junior college, as my crappy old car crapped out. And had been very crazy over this young man, I had been seeing since my first year at college.
His family hated me, for all that I was not. Not their version of a good Sicilian girl, not Catholic,
and his mother simply hated me as she would have any girl who was crazy about her son. Not good enough. period. I had tried very hard to fit into his family and his life.
He took off for another state, told me he was coming back, but didn't for almost a year, his family would tell me they hated me on the phone when I called their house, said not to call again.
He never called,or wrote, and finally I asked myself why I was doing this to myself. I started dating another guy, who was just about the same chain yanking kind of personality. I dumped him.
Looking back, I was simply finding what I was familiar with. My father. Always on their terms,
I was always miserable. Finally the girl I was in touch with wanted to share an apartment. She was controlling, and it was harder to get to school. I rode a bike, an old clunky one. Back in the day when it wasn't environmentally concious to do so.
But I was out and further away from my family. I loved them, but I think it was the best thing I ever did. I wasn't getting along as well as I could have, but I never let them know. I had to learn to look out for myself, and this also allowed me to develop discernment over time.Not all a once, it was a learning curve.
Then my roommate got a job in a small town north, in the Sierra Nevadas. We moved together. I was burned out, disappointed in love, and looking for anything to change. It was a challenge. I had to become more responsible for myself, and sadly for my roommate. She turned out to be an addict. Her access as health care person in the little hospital in this town allowed her access and the opportunity to continue her stealing of prescription drugs. She had asthma, and I always thought they were prescribed by her doctor. She had a make up case full of pills. She would have a bad respiratory attack, couldn't breathe, I would take her to the emergency room, never know what the hell kind of pill she had taken.
And the unpredictable mood swings to match. We parted ways, eventually she moved back south to San Diego.She died of a heart attack at the age of 29, not long after my son was born. I got a call from a friend who we both knew in the little town. It was so sad, she had joined a commune, some group, I never really knew details.
But after she had left, I had gone forward full steam ahead, still wanting to find life.
I was enjoying life full on, music, clubbing, drinking, smoking pot, trying things I am not proud to talk of.
Finally it was my chance to be rebellious. And it could have turned out very badly.
And this was the time that I became aware that there are people who will do headtrips on you.
Either they want you to join a church and give up your evil ways, so they work on you to make you feel very bad about yourself. Or they want you to join some group or some movement that will
make a change in this country. Many people got caught up in being led down paths that cost them their true potential. Either way letting someone else come between. Itwas part of the 70's, so much breaking down of rigid barriers of polarity. Neither one appealed to me.
I still had no car in this little town, but it was a little town. I walked to work, I rode my bike, I took a taxi if I had to go do laundry, or grocery shopping.
Often I walked my little dog to a park on the end of town, and past this place where a sign said "will read palms'. One day the palm reader was out in the front yard, as it was also her house. She was young, I was surprised. She was a Romany, a gypsy, and she opened up my eyes to another part of life.
We became acquainted, and I would chat, visit with her, and got to understand that she had
made a change in her life out of choice. Divorce caused her to leave much of her former life, and settle down, and have to earn a living. She was a pyschic, palm reader, card reader. Not getting rich, but getting by. Kind, earthy, I needed some of that in my life. I was by this time feeling very much a loner, an outsider in a small town. Tired of the pace, out of work by this time, tired of people who lived only for the next round of drinks, smoke, etc. with no substance to them.
I learned to read the cards, got myself a tarot deck, and ponder the universe.The energy we are all able to use, to enjoy all that is around us, above our heads, at our feet. Believe many things are real and possible. Funny how this little meeting changed me. I could have let myself get more involved in other things and go down a bad road. Instead, I broke away into a open hearted, arms up to the stars, love the universe in all that it is kind of view, toe to toe with the energy, it is me, I am it.
But instead, I found something, a belief in a very large picture of spirit, an intelligent universe, and I am still not done. Nor am I done yet. I feel I still am working on things closer to home. Still understanding , though not blaming anymore, just seeing the structure of how things were, why recently things are the why they are, and how to grow myself past it.
My life's journey, my full potential, my heart connection to humanity. Clear eyed, unemcumbered by the binding energy laid on a child, I broke free. I remind myself of this
each time I feel brought low by the behavior of a loved one. I am free here to make my own choices.
Speak my own truth, not someone else's, and no one will invalidate who I am.
Try to learn to do it for yourself. No one can rule your life, no one should be allowed to dictate how you should view the rest of humanity. We are all of the universe.
Nothing more. But it is enough itself to make us stop from harming others, either strangers, or your own loved ones.
Sadly this is not the case. During the time period my mother was dying, I was witness to certain
behaviors, outbursts, and one scene and words aimed at my dying mother that broke my heart.
I do not want to repeat the words, and I have been working very hard to understand why.
It is called narcisistic personality disorder, and has been a governing factor in my family since the time I was a child.
A post back or two, I talked about the energetic imprints that can be left in a childs energy field by a parent. This is where mine have come from, what I struggled with, learned to function away from, and seek different things in my life.
There are things a narcissistic uses to get their own way, keep you in line, and not fully functioning as a human who is learning to use their full potential, our life lessons we come here to develop our souls, our true beings.
We are energy being having human experiences, and to become as a group of beings who are here for that and to move on, we have to learn to break free from what has been laid on us as children.
If it encouraged you to reach out for your full potential then you had very well developed parents helping you. If like me, you have had to struggle, break away, get lucky and find people in your life to help you strive and learn and understand what the meaning of your full potential and gifts are.
Some people never do, they are entrapped from the first breath they take, so loaded and hobbled by the imprinting by their parents, and it is a generational thing, who were imprinted by their own parents. Imprinted to not use their brains, curiosity, or abused, beaten down, and prone to addictions, behaviors of violence, or so lost about who they are, they become victims.
Victims can be easily swayed by any number of beings, who use them for their own purpose.
Since the victim hasn't any strength of mind, understanding of normal relationships, that heart connection to humanity, they are often just lost for good.
Many organizations on this planet work to keep this lock down of victimizing going full bore.
So much is blasted at us by the media, by "faith" organizations, who want you to stay in the victim rut. But you are not supposed to see you are. This makes you very easy to manipulate.
To divide humanity, and to make you lose that heart connection to others, and to hate. Once you learn to hate, then you are easily used. Not everyone becomes a terrorist. But how many people have I come across that just cannot accept that I don't belong to their church, believe in their politics, go to their country club, etc. Even though they have know me as a person well enough to know I am a good person, it is enough to make them think I am bound for hell. Period. Unless I become like them. So respecting anothers way of seeing the Divine is not allowed.
That is quite mild, compared to what I am going to say. If you are young without life's experience, and perhaps a little bit of hearts connection developed, then you can very much be talked into horrific deeds.
I watch the news, see the young people swayed into leaving their families, to do things for some cause. It makes me so sad.
Because what we think is going on, is not what we think it is. It is for our planet, not for our souls. There are beings who use shut down humans to profit by, to gain ground for control of this planet. Simple as that. You really won't be an afterthought, a martyr, and privledged person in heaven. Nope, back to school, back to this reality. Till you understand what it is all about. As for those who would use you, they play a role in a game. At least to them.
They do not care. But to have humanity killing each other gives them food. They feed off the
negative wavelengths.
And this all starts in the beginning of your life. Mine did. My path could have been so different. I found a way to break out of my imprinting and being made to feel inadequate.
So by the time I was 14, I was what I called a rebel without a clue. A scared to act out rebel.
Not understanding anything. just that my mother was trying to find herself, often depressed and tired and with four kids and another on the way.
A girfriend from the neighborhood, no one my parents ever knew, but one I walked to the bus stop in the morning with , and back home in the afternoon was the first person I ever met who was ready to run away from her life. She did a few years later. With some older guy.
But I digress. Soon there was a small gathering of young teenage girls walking to and from the bus stop. One stole her mother's cigarettes, we would smoke them. And bravely talk about what we were gonna do, or boys, or both. Our parents, very 50's parents, it was the 60's, were huge downers.
I was the only one who was the oldest child in her family, who had felt all the weight of being so.
Two of the girls were the youngest. Watching their older sisters preen and seek approval from their boyfriends, encouraged by their mothers. At this point women's lib was still about 3 years away from the scene, so a girl was supposed to think about a husband. Sometimes sex, and that would lead to a husband.
I wanted none of that, I had watched my mother drag herself around, a new baby was due, and she was exhausted, emotional, had to give up her smoking cigarettes, she had smoked with the first four of us, as the doctor dictated it was bad for the baby. This was a new thing on the scene, that and not drinkng coffee. Her life blood, several cups a day.
I at this point had to deal with my father often over the things I had tried to do to enjoy something that was different from what he ruled acceptable. This would be music, or dress, or behavior he didn't like, not that I would act out, but he was the one who had controlling issues, and I at my adult age now understand it was him having problems, not me. He was living under what shaped him into a controlling human being. Growing up without a mother, stepmothers, I don't think I will ever know all of what went on to make him who he came to be and still is. He does love us, but
he is a difficult person to talk to or deal with at times. My way or the highway attitude.
All I wanted to do was graduate from high school eventually and go to college, move out, study art, learn music, science, have my own life. Nothing I wanted was approved by him. And like my childhood, his controling often had devastating effects on me. He wanted me to go into business. Not my thing, believe me, but that wasn't allowed. I got a lot of stuff said to me, made me very withdrawn and secretive. I became a very unconfident young lady.
Rebeling seemed attractive, but I was scared to. I grew up, watched my bus stop girl friends run away, get pregnant in high school, or move from the neighborhood. I had no more friends close by. I had high school friends, but after graduation, I only had a couple I saw.
One a young man came to look at his difficulties with trying to be a straight person, with a very religious family, move out to live with another man. His extremely religious family disowned him. His life separated from mine, dear friend that he was. I did see him one last time before I left San Diego. He was ill, and later I heard he had died from AIDS. So much we didn't know then that would come to be, I think of him and wish life had been better for him.
The other a girl with severe asthma I kept in touch with. I worked long hard hours as a waitress, got a studio apartment, took a bus to junior college, as my crappy old car crapped out. And had been very crazy over this young man, I had been seeing since my first year at college.
His family hated me, for all that I was not. Not their version of a good Sicilian girl, not Catholic,
and his mother simply hated me as she would have any girl who was crazy about her son. Not good enough. period. I had tried very hard to fit into his family and his life.
He took off for another state, told me he was coming back, but didn't for almost a year, his family would tell me they hated me on the phone when I called their house, said not to call again.
He never called,or wrote, and finally I asked myself why I was doing this to myself. I started dating another guy, who was just about the same chain yanking kind of personality. I dumped him.
Looking back, I was simply finding what I was familiar with. My father. Always on their terms,
I was always miserable. Finally the girl I was in touch with wanted to share an apartment. She was controlling, and it was harder to get to school. I rode a bike, an old clunky one. Back in the day when it wasn't environmentally concious to do so.
But I was out and further away from my family. I loved them, but I think it was the best thing I ever did. I wasn't getting along as well as I could have, but I never let them know. I had to learn to look out for myself, and this also allowed me to develop discernment over time.Not all a once, it was a learning curve.
Then my roommate got a job in a small town north, in the Sierra Nevadas. We moved together. I was burned out, disappointed in love, and looking for anything to change. It was a challenge. I had to become more responsible for myself, and sadly for my roommate. She turned out to be an addict. Her access as health care person in the little hospital in this town allowed her access and the opportunity to continue her stealing of prescription drugs. She had asthma, and I always thought they were prescribed by her doctor. She had a make up case full of pills. She would have a bad respiratory attack, couldn't breathe, I would take her to the emergency room, never know what the hell kind of pill she had taken.
And the unpredictable mood swings to match. We parted ways, eventually she moved back south to San Diego.She died of a heart attack at the age of 29, not long after my son was born. I got a call from a friend who we both knew in the little town. It was so sad, she had joined a commune, some group, I never really knew details.
But after she had left, I had gone forward full steam ahead, still wanting to find life.
I was enjoying life full on, music, clubbing, drinking, smoking pot, trying things I am not proud to talk of.
Finally it was my chance to be rebellious. And it could have turned out very badly.
And this was the time that I became aware that there are people who will do headtrips on you.
Either they want you to join a church and give up your evil ways, so they work on you to make you feel very bad about yourself. Or they want you to join some group or some movement that will
make a change in this country. Many people got caught up in being led down paths that cost them their true potential. Either way letting someone else come between. Itwas part of the 70's, so much breaking down of rigid barriers of polarity. Neither one appealed to me.
I still had no car in this little town, but it was a little town. I walked to work, I rode my bike, I took a taxi if I had to go do laundry, or grocery shopping.
Often I walked my little dog to a park on the end of town, and past this place where a sign said "will read palms'. One day the palm reader was out in the front yard, as it was also her house. She was young, I was surprised. She was a Romany, a gypsy, and she opened up my eyes to another part of life.
We became acquainted, and I would chat, visit with her, and got to understand that she had
made a change in her life out of choice. Divorce caused her to leave much of her former life, and settle down, and have to earn a living. She was a pyschic, palm reader, card reader. Not getting rich, but getting by. Kind, earthy, I needed some of that in my life. I was by this time feeling very much a loner, an outsider in a small town. Tired of the pace, out of work by this time, tired of people who lived only for the next round of drinks, smoke, etc. with no substance to them.
I learned to read the cards, got myself a tarot deck, and ponder the universe.The energy we are all able to use, to enjoy all that is around us, above our heads, at our feet. Believe many things are real and possible. Funny how this little meeting changed me. I could have let myself get more involved in other things and go down a bad road. Instead, I broke away into a open hearted, arms up to the stars, love the universe in all that it is kind of view, toe to toe with the energy, it is me, I am it.
But instead, I found something, a belief in a very large picture of spirit, an intelligent universe, and I am still not done. Nor am I done yet. I feel I still am working on things closer to home. Still understanding , though not blaming anymore, just seeing the structure of how things were, why recently things are the why they are, and how to grow myself past it.
My life's journey, my full potential, my heart connection to humanity. Clear eyed, unemcumbered by the binding energy laid on a child, I broke free. I remind myself of this
each time I feel brought low by the behavior of a loved one. I am free here to make my own choices.
Speak my own truth, not someone else's, and no one will invalidate who I am.
Try to learn to do it for yourself. No one can rule your life, no one should be allowed to dictate how you should view the rest of humanity. We are all of the universe.
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