Seven years later, reflections on learning about myself and how this homework thing gets worked out.
Tomorrow marks the seventh year since our son committed suicide. It seems like just the other day in many ways. My heart still hurts, I still miss him, I talk to him everyday, but I have stopped crying.
It's funny how my views on relationships have changed. I went from thinking in a grateful manner for one friend who called every week, but mostly so she could cry on my shoulder about her thirty something
children and her ex-husband from thirty years ago.
I finally got the gumption to gently let her know that I was just not able to listen to her racial remarks, and constant complaining about every little percieved insult from decades earlier in her life.
I pondered on the fact that she never said to any of her family that all of this hurt her. She never drew the lines and said "these are my boundaries, do not cross them."
I am doing that in my life. After many years of certain behavior, and listening and believing a lot of half and un -truths. I am putting up my hand and saying stop.
To a family member. It is never petty when things happen over and over again, and believe me when I say, your words have energy, So do the words of another person.
Having waded through so many bad moments in my life, regretting any time that I ever yelled at my son, gotten upset with him, my words have weighed heavily on my shoulders.
And what if any words are spoken for reasons that seem to be altogether to cause trouble? Those
words too have energy.
And when a person does not paid heed to the words they speak, then those words will come back upon them at some point and when they do, the energy will still be with the words. So if it was with bad intent, then they will suffer from their own doing.
I have learned that some people have a driving need to be in control, and will work by any means
to give themselves an edge. And as they seem to feel it is worth it for the satisfaction they feel, and the emotional high they get. It is an obsessive behavior, and usually goes along with a very closed down
personality.
There is a saying that another can only have as much power over you as you let them have. I agree.
I now see that, having gone through the gamut of emotional roller coaster years. Some people want to have this control, and they play themselves as a confindant to acheive this. But instead of what I should have
not allowed to go on, and later learned the hard way, I let happen.
And after doing the Formula of Compassion, and achieved some clear sightness with the emotional clearing I got, I can see clearly that this person most likely will never get it.
She trivalizes everyone elses feelings, and wants to feel very superior in all aspects. Oh, she know pyschology, she know neuro-linguistic programing, so she thinks she know how to handle people. But her methods lack a respect of human emotion, sometimes called simpatico. The knowing of how she would feel if it happened to her too. I would like to think I was able to do that for her, but it scared her. She felt
caught out, and out of control, it frightened her.
Does she know her own soul, and how her inner child is crying out in pain for her to quit this behavior.
No, because she must be in control. Being out of control frightened her, so she went into a behavior that was geared in some strange ways to give her some kind of gratification of making every other person in her life seem of lesser morals than herself. This most likely gave her comfort in some very emotionally fragile
times. She resorts to it now and then when she feels threatened, or out of her element. She cannot allow herself to be weak, she feels too vulnerable. So many people on this planet have this same fearful benavior to deal with and work through right now. Too hard to give up control over their lives and allow what will be -be.
I know what it is like to not be in control, yes it is scary, truly had to go into the long dark night of the soul. Hell right here on Earth. Somewhere in the dark tunnel, if you truly have faith in the Divine, the Field of Existence will open a door to you. the trick is to know it when you see it and walk through.
And I came out the other side, took me a few years to come back to zero point for me and acute
awareness of the human pysche. My own to be precise. And what I learned was to love myself, truly and honestly. Like I have just awakend. For all those years after my son died, I tried to make everyone else feel better about what had happened and kept my own really horrid pain to myself. In private, I screamed at the Divine, in public I was trying to hard to make everyone else happy. Some people seem to take this for
a weakness. No, just not being my true authentic self, only what I thought others wanted to see. Untill I started in very seriously on my homework. I want to move up to a higher dimension, I am actively getting ready to finish up here in 3D. I have a few friends that are working towards that, but some who have really gotten off track lately, even if they do believe.
And since I cannot do any one else's homework, and seemingly can't even shake someone I love loose from their bad habits, then I must take care of myself. I love me. Not in an egotisical way, but I am ready for the shift. I understand much of why people do what they do, good or bad. Not condoning bad, but
people act out of fear. Fear of being in want, fear of loss of control and so on. They do what they do, even if they don't know why, to play a role for someone else.
This family member did that for me. But they will never truly understand as they are eons behind in their homework. But I am grateful for the role they played, if unknowingly to me. I came to some really in depth understanding of my relationships with in my family. And there too, not too much change, with the exception of one or two people. Which was actually heartening. Seeing awareness grow.
So try to understand this, you do this emotional clearing, and first you see what is going on in your life, state it as it has happened, how you see the truth of it, painful as it is. Then on with the Formula of Compassion, over and over again. It is for you, and no matter how you would like to, you cannot make the other person change. It will take them waking up on their own.
Courage to those who are going through this right now, May your hearts stay
fixed on the shift.
Peace on the new Earth,
It's funny how my views on relationships have changed. I went from thinking in a grateful manner for one friend who called every week, but mostly so she could cry on my shoulder about her thirty something
children and her ex-husband from thirty years ago.
I finally got the gumption to gently let her know that I was just not able to listen to her racial remarks, and constant complaining about every little percieved insult from decades earlier in her life.
I pondered on the fact that she never said to any of her family that all of this hurt her. She never drew the lines and said "these are my boundaries, do not cross them."
I am doing that in my life. After many years of certain behavior, and listening and believing a lot of half and un -truths. I am putting up my hand and saying stop.
To a family member. It is never petty when things happen over and over again, and believe me when I say, your words have energy, So do the words of another person.
Having waded through so many bad moments in my life, regretting any time that I ever yelled at my son, gotten upset with him, my words have weighed heavily on my shoulders.
And what if any words are spoken for reasons that seem to be altogether to cause trouble? Those
words too have energy.
And when a person does not paid heed to the words they speak, then those words will come back upon them at some point and when they do, the energy will still be with the words. So if it was with bad intent, then they will suffer from their own doing.
I have learned that some people have a driving need to be in control, and will work by any means
to give themselves an edge. And as they seem to feel it is worth it for the satisfaction they feel, and the emotional high they get. It is an obsessive behavior, and usually goes along with a very closed down
personality.
There is a saying that another can only have as much power over you as you let them have. I agree.
I now see that, having gone through the gamut of emotional roller coaster years. Some people want to have this control, and they play themselves as a confindant to acheive this. But instead of what I should have
not allowed to go on, and later learned the hard way, I let happen.
And after doing the Formula of Compassion, and achieved some clear sightness with the emotional clearing I got, I can see clearly that this person most likely will never get it.
She trivalizes everyone elses feelings, and wants to feel very superior in all aspects. Oh, she know pyschology, she know neuro-linguistic programing, so she thinks she know how to handle people. But her methods lack a respect of human emotion, sometimes called simpatico. The knowing of how she would feel if it happened to her too. I would like to think I was able to do that for her, but it scared her. She felt
caught out, and out of control, it frightened her.
Does she know her own soul, and how her inner child is crying out in pain for her to quit this behavior.
No, because she must be in control. Being out of control frightened her, so she went into a behavior that was geared in some strange ways to give her some kind of gratification of making every other person in her life seem of lesser morals than herself. This most likely gave her comfort in some very emotionally fragile
times. She resorts to it now and then when she feels threatened, or out of her element. She cannot allow herself to be weak, she feels too vulnerable. So many people on this planet have this same fearful benavior to deal with and work through right now. Too hard to give up control over their lives and allow what will be -be.
I know what it is like to not be in control, yes it is scary, truly had to go into the long dark night of the soul. Hell right here on Earth. Somewhere in the dark tunnel, if you truly have faith in the Divine, the Field of Existence will open a door to you. the trick is to know it when you see it and walk through.
And I came out the other side, took me a few years to come back to zero point for me and acute
awareness of the human pysche. My own to be precise. And what I learned was to love myself, truly and honestly. Like I have just awakend. For all those years after my son died, I tried to make everyone else feel better about what had happened and kept my own really horrid pain to myself. In private, I screamed at the Divine, in public I was trying to hard to make everyone else happy. Some people seem to take this for
a weakness. No, just not being my true authentic self, only what I thought others wanted to see. Untill I started in very seriously on my homework. I want to move up to a higher dimension, I am actively getting ready to finish up here in 3D. I have a few friends that are working towards that, but some who have really gotten off track lately, even if they do believe.
And since I cannot do any one else's homework, and seemingly can't even shake someone I love loose from their bad habits, then I must take care of myself. I love me. Not in an egotisical way, but I am ready for the shift. I understand much of why people do what they do, good or bad. Not condoning bad, but
people act out of fear. Fear of being in want, fear of loss of control and so on. They do what they do, even if they don't know why, to play a role for someone else.
This family member did that for me. But they will never truly understand as they are eons behind in their homework. But I am grateful for the role they played, if unknowingly to me. I came to some really in depth understanding of my relationships with in my family. And there too, not too much change, with the exception of one or two people. Which was actually heartening. Seeing awareness grow.
So try to understand this, you do this emotional clearing, and first you see what is going on in your life, state it as it has happened, how you see the truth of it, painful as it is. Then on with the Formula of Compassion, over and over again. It is for you, and no matter how you would like to, you cannot make the other person change. It will take them waking up on their own.
Courage to those who are going through this right now, May your hearts stay
fixed on the shift.
Peace on the new Earth,
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