In the heart and in spirit
This last month was tough. I lost my mother. My father lost his wife of 63 years. My siblings lost their mother. We all lost her, and it will always be a sad event.
She had a long hard year, full of what I am calling horrible badly done, and disjointed "White Man
Medicine".
So many pharmaceuticals, given by different doctors. with no coordination, no conversions between the various physicians, and several stays in the local hospital where her primary care physician was not even allowed to come see her. Only what they call Hospitalists.
And a different one each time. A hell of a way to treat a frail almost 90 year old diabetic who had had a stroke. Whose primary care physician thought it was fine to prescribe an off label use for
an anti-depressant. To calm down her bladder. As she was having a huge issue with urgency, but often didn't have to go. Or then it would be an antibiotic as it must have been a bladder infection.
It just spun out of control, and my poor mother after, all the great hope of her recovering and becoming somewhat mobile had one last emergency trip, to a stay in the hospital where one doctor had the kindness to tell us the bad news. Her intestines had collapsed upon themselves. Why?
I don't think we will ever know. But it was a death sentence, no surgery, she would have not made it. If she had, it would have been the long recovery period. She was in such bad shape by then, she wouldn't have made it through.
That night, Samhain/Halloween night, I had a message from my Mother's spirit, in the way of a dream. I do a lot of dreamwalking, one of my talents? But it was so clear, to this day.
I am on the edge of a huge pool, small lake, body of water. It is blue, clear beautiful crystal water.
I am with a very young blond haired girl child. She is not my own daughter, but I know her. It is my mother as a child.
She tells me she wants to get into the water, and I say"First you have to learn how to float".
We get into the water and she gets into the floating on her back position, and wants to go over to the opposite shore. I tell her I can only go up to my knees.
Then I let go of her and she floats away from me. Simply going over to the other shore where she is happily greeted by people who are standing on the shore. They embraced her as she gets out of the water.
It was then I knew my mother was going to leave us soon.
After we got the news, my family did hospice with her at the home she and my father had lived in for quite a while. The hospice people were wonderful. I don't know what we would have done without them.
My mother's sisters came from Wisconsin and stayed untill after she died, my sister in law was my rock, our rock, though some couldn't seem to understand that. Her dedication and gentleness with my mother was out of pure love. I had a car accident one night, I wasn't hurt, but shook up, and another time where a minor medical situation took me out for a day or two, here and there.
But in the end I got to spend my mother's last night with her, holding her hand and singing to her by myself, untill late. My sister in law took over after that, and she seemed to know my mother was not going to see the dawn. Mom passed peacefully in the wee hours of Nov.12th, 2014.
The next night she came to see me. In her way, she let me know how she viewed the whole hospital thing.
I was in the lobby of a very old hospital building, straight out of the 1940's. Everyone had on white uniforms, the nurses had the old caps they used to wear. The nurses and doctors were just scurrying around, and would come up to me and say something like, "How are you feeling?"or "Are you hungry?", then scurry away.
So I walk out and down the front steps of this hopital, down a marble stairs, mostly just to get out of there. I get to the bottom and I am standing right on the edge of the highway that my road I live on comes out onto.
To my right there is barbed wire and electric fence that is crackling with electricity. The highway itself is just covered with trash, old mattresses, overturned garbage cans, bottle, newpapers, all kinds of stuff.
To my left there is a group of people all dressed in bright cheerful clothing. They are laughing and talking. My mother turns away from the group and walks over to me. She is at least 30 years younger, her hair is blonde once again, done in her favorite hairstyle from back then, and she is wearing a dress, bright with orange and pink flowers. I haven't seen that dress in decades, but I did remember it.
She walks up to me, and all I feel is this overwhelming sense of her love, and she pats me on the side of my face and says " Don't worry Wandy(her pet name for me)we'll take care of all this" She is gesturing towards all the garbage on the highway.
I woke up. And went back to sleep feeling sense of peace. Funny her using the garbage on the highway as a metaphor. That was how I was feeling.
Life had been so full of issues, with family members, one thing happening after another, that simply negotiating in a straight forward manner seemed impossible.
Like I said, in the heart and in the spirit, they never really leave us.
She had a long hard year, full of what I am calling horrible badly done, and disjointed "White Man
Medicine".
So many pharmaceuticals, given by different doctors. with no coordination, no conversions between the various physicians, and several stays in the local hospital where her primary care physician was not even allowed to come see her. Only what they call Hospitalists.
And a different one each time. A hell of a way to treat a frail almost 90 year old diabetic who had had a stroke. Whose primary care physician thought it was fine to prescribe an off label use for
an anti-depressant. To calm down her bladder. As she was having a huge issue with urgency, but often didn't have to go. Or then it would be an antibiotic as it must have been a bladder infection.
It just spun out of control, and my poor mother after, all the great hope of her recovering and becoming somewhat mobile had one last emergency trip, to a stay in the hospital where one doctor had the kindness to tell us the bad news. Her intestines had collapsed upon themselves. Why?
I don't think we will ever know. But it was a death sentence, no surgery, she would have not made it. If she had, it would have been the long recovery period. She was in such bad shape by then, she wouldn't have made it through.
That night, Samhain/Halloween night, I had a message from my Mother's spirit, in the way of a dream. I do a lot of dreamwalking, one of my talents? But it was so clear, to this day.
I am on the edge of a huge pool, small lake, body of water. It is blue, clear beautiful crystal water.
I am with a very young blond haired girl child. She is not my own daughter, but I know her. It is my mother as a child.
She tells me she wants to get into the water, and I say"First you have to learn how to float".
We get into the water and she gets into the floating on her back position, and wants to go over to the opposite shore. I tell her I can only go up to my knees.
Then I let go of her and she floats away from me. Simply going over to the other shore where she is happily greeted by people who are standing on the shore. They embraced her as she gets out of the water.
It was then I knew my mother was going to leave us soon.
After we got the news, my family did hospice with her at the home she and my father had lived in for quite a while. The hospice people were wonderful. I don't know what we would have done without them.
My mother's sisters came from Wisconsin and stayed untill after she died, my sister in law was my rock, our rock, though some couldn't seem to understand that. Her dedication and gentleness with my mother was out of pure love. I had a car accident one night, I wasn't hurt, but shook up, and another time where a minor medical situation took me out for a day or two, here and there.
But in the end I got to spend my mother's last night with her, holding her hand and singing to her by myself, untill late. My sister in law took over after that, and she seemed to know my mother was not going to see the dawn. Mom passed peacefully in the wee hours of Nov.12th, 2014.
The next night she came to see me. In her way, she let me know how she viewed the whole hospital thing.
I was in the lobby of a very old hospital building, straight out of the 1940's. Everyone had on white uniforms, the nurses had the old caps they used to wear. The nurses and doctors were just scurrying around, and would come up to me and say something like, "How are you feeling?"or "Are you hungry?", then scurry away.
So I walk out and down the front steps of this hopital, down a marble stairs, mostly just to get out of there. I get to the bottom and I am standing right on the edge of the highway that my road I live on comes out onto.
To my right there is barbed wire and electric fence that is crackling with electricity. The highway itself is just covered with trash, old mattresses, overturned garbage cans, bottle, newpapers, all kinds of stuff.
To my left there is a group of people all dressed in bright cheerful clothing. They are laughing and talking. My mother turns away from the group and walks over to me. She is at least 30 years younger, her hair is blonde once again, done in her favorite hairstyle from back then, and she is wearing a dress, bright with orange and pink flowers. I haven't seen that dress in decades, but I did remember it.
She walks up to me, and all I feel is this overwhelming sense of her love, and she pats me on the side of my face and says " Don't worry Wandy(her pet name for me)we'll take care of all this" She is gesturing towards all the garbage on the highway.
I woke up. And went back to sleep feeling sense of peace. Funny her using the garbage on the highway as a metaphor. That was how I was feeling.
Life had been so full of issues, with family members, one thing happening after another, that simply negotiating in a straight forward manner seemed impossible.
Like I said, in the heart and in the spirit, they never really leave us.
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