Learning about Love the hard way again

        So families are often dealing with all these under currents.  I see and hear about
it often from other people.  And families represent the current state of the human condition at this point in time.  After that there are factors such as local , political dealings, how we treat the environment, animals, etc.  True, all of these provide a view into our species development.
  
         As I am writing these long hard articles, I am using myself and family as the only example I know from living it.

        Seems we humans are such a varied lot.  In a family,  the dynamics can
vary widely.  Some families truly never talk to each other after the children
grow to adulthood.   Some are in each others business far too much to be healthy for each
individual.   Mine family is pretty uneven, as if you are a squeaky wheel you get more
grease.

           And so the dynamics formed in this way and are still to this day.   As children
seeking attention  some behaviors formed along the squeaky wheel line, and
and some along a being leaned on line.  I came to see this when working with an elderly
energy worker/counselor.  

                Three months after my son's desth, aside from all
the swearing at creator/SPIRIT/ field of existence whatever you want to address it as.
I was having trouble remembering stuff. After all things will catch up to you, the trauma for one.
The energetic field never forgets the tough stuff. The deep recesses of the mind hold it there, and can't let go, sometimes without help.

                     In the previous article, I had  related some things about my sons death, but not the
trauma that was involved.  Here it is still a horrid sick memory. My husband driving his quad up and down our isolated road calling for him in the pitch black.  Me, walking up to our meadow in the forest by myself and screaming his name over and over for what seemed like hours trying to get some response.  There were no stars that night, only panic and the worst thing I have ever gone thru.

                 It was this deep emotional pit that was threatening how I functioned as a human. So the lady I went to see was well trained, recommended to me by someone who knew I needed more than what other folk might need in therapy.  This little old English lady read the energy field.

              One day she had me on the table and she asked me about my parents
How did I feel when thinking back to my childhood.  What were my memories of their
expectations of me?

                   I thought back to my father telling us to clean out the room
I shared with a sister.  We always drew our own paper dolls, colored
them sometimes then cut them out. And played.  One of my memories
that stands out so strongly was of us cleaning our room, putting all the
paper dolls in a shoe box in the closet and him throwing them out any way.
Claiming it was a fire hazard.
                 
                  All of this was a ongoing series of behaviors from my parents that to a kid seemed
to say a lot of stuff to my subconcious.


                   I was upset, but I couldn't tell my parents how I felt.
Their expectations were for me to be very responsible at a really young age
it is known as parental leaning.   Most of my childhood I felt like they did
not like my singing, my art, but they wanted me to be a responsible
daughter who could be leaned on to help out. They both would make comments about the things I
liked, and the actions they took reinforced the messages I got. They still do bring it up,

          I hate it when they drag it out and hash that over, like it was something
really wrong.  The paper doll thing.The sister I shared the room with knew how I felt about it all.
 So she trotted it all out again at a family dinner last fall.  Lots of sensitive mindfiul kindness
was missing that night.

                   So I have had to come a place of knowing there was no encouragement in things I loved with the message unspoken but constantly delivered in their parenting. What you love is not important.

                     And you must be responsible,  which early on meant looking
after my younger siblings. And don't step out of approved behaviors.  At one point I became a secret
rebel, a closet rebel.

                        Looking back I see now why my self image got so tangled
with the family dynamics. It took a long time to understand that all of my actions, choices in boy friends, things I did as a young person were due to low self esteem.

                        Later on I did learn to play the guitar, and do a lot of singing, and I do a lot of creative art things here and there, and to my surprise, other people seem to really like it.

                           When you are on a evolving spiritual quest and awakening,  often
you have to go into some deep waters regarding your upbringing and family relationships.   Don't think you won't.  It will bite you on the ass. It will be the hardest emotional clearing you do.

                             And it is ok to feel anger about some stuff.  As you are releasing from your field there will be anger there.  Lots of it, it will take a while. We are here to be human.  If your boundaries are assaulted by family members you can be pissed off,  it is alright.

You have to work to work through  it, these are the lessons you have to learn.  Use emotional clearing step by step.

                      None of us come here unencumbered. We all have lessons.  Family members have lessons.  You cannot interfere with theirs, only do your homework.  Took me all my life to figure that one out.  So now I know my own homework only too well means hands off,  don't have to like the way the sisters behave, but also know that untill some event happens to change attitudes, just love myself and stay off the shooting range.

                     
                        And as you go through all of it, love your family for the lessons you learn,but feel free to feel angry now and then if their behavior still hasn't changed.Channel it into something more positive, use a nerf foam bat to smack a pillow if it is that bad.  This will release it out of your energy field, that was one of the best ways I have heard for extreme anger.

                      I know this can seem like a mixed message, but what I am saying is feeling anger on your own behalf if the behavior from family doesn't change is part of what you have  to learn about. You are loving yourself, now get rid of the anger so you don't live with it constantly.  And work on loving them in spite of it.

                          This is the end result of clearing.  You clear, you see your lesson, then their lessons,  but hands off theirs.  Part of you lets go, and you raise frequency in yourself.  Always be honest with yourself, always be honest and mindful with your behavior with family.  Doesn't mean you spill your guts over every little thing that goes on, like I said they most likely won't understand.

                      This will be an ongoing thing, believe me. I have learned to be selective about how often and where I want to interact with my sisters, and I am sure they do too. I know so.

                   That is healthy, you are learning to love yourself, by doing so, you can see their lessons,  let them work theirs out. Eventually I hope my unhappiness will find it's voice.  It has  happened here and there with my parents. I have told them about some things.

                     I still love them, I  still love my siblings but leave them to themselves on a non interference basis.   Kind of like Starfleet's mandate. Just visiting and seeing the sights folks, don't shot us, we are not getting into your business!!!