why I write about myself, and being real about my feelings

     The last post before this is for me another start of and a working through an emotional clearing, and the process is harder for family members than any other people in your life.

     Part of the catalyst for doing this one was my mother's illness recently which put her in the hospital.  She has been a long time diabetic, and also a poorly managed diabetic.

     To add to the difficulty is my fathers needing to be in control, despite all the ideas that have been suggested to him to help make their lives easier.  They want to stay in their home, but it has become
obvious my mother's health is deteriorating rapidly.

     This last time around, he became very nasty to some of us over our concerns about the primary care physcians ability to provide a accurate care regimen for our mother.  This despite the prognosis of a admitting hospital doctor and a urologist.

     So,  not the first time in a long, long episodes of my father having to be in control of situations that require more than he can provide. 

        Hence the working through my own path of looking at our entangled and often contentious
complicated relationship.

        How does one finally distill out all the things that have been there over the decades of a parent child interaction.  For me, it is how it effected me, and what it has been, and why it has been there.

       This gives me the ability to format the things I have learned about myself, often painful, however
strong the clarity it gives.

        What lessons shape us in life, the first start with our parents.  How we feel about ourselves, why we end up angry and blaming them for things.  These are the imprints we have upon us.

          To go back to see why this is, and to come to understanding, really hard.  To be able to say to
yourself,  I have the right to speak my truth, I have the right to understand.

          I have said this publicly before, here.  And was severely chastised for it, by my family.
All because one sibling cried how hurt she was.  Despite years of her bad behavior, and hurting me, and another by hurtful untruths.  I am still waiting for a desire  from her to have a different relationship, a better more true one with her. She needs to get there first.

           However, after doing the clearing on her, and now on my father,  I understand.  Patterns can be repeated over and over.  Foundations for family relationships can be laid for the future, in good ways or bad ways.  Children are quick to note how their parents often say certain things to their other siblings.  And it can become part of how that child will relate to that sibling.

        Patterns become imprinted that way, in the energy fields, and are often hard to change because it is in the emotional field.  Self esteem becomes shaped by what is there at a very early age.  And if there is no positive encouraging energy to lessen or remove it.  Then it stays.

         So if you wonder why you feel the way you do about other family members, and seems like attitudes are never changing, and you feel this alot.  This is why.

          It doesn't have to be physical abuse, or outright mental abuse.  But behavior patterns that were occurring often enough from a parent to do so.
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           Know that I do not do this lightly,  I have had to go deeply, and come back up with love in my heart here.  I am not done, but I understand myself more.  Excuses have been made for my father, and mother. They did the best they knew how.  Which they did. 

          On the other hand, some things still keep coming up, as I have said, and I can't say I feel too forgiving over that fact.  I just see the reasons why, and wish it were differently.

           So my next step there will be next time it happens and in front of however is present.  I will say I do not want to hear it again. And why.

             I understand by not speaking, I have allowed it.  And my father expects that I should allow it.

                                     Not so.